Matty J decided that the best place to choose the love of his life would be Thailand so the three of them jetted off separately on Air Asia to their luxury destination.
Oh, plus his fam bam.
Evidently he can’t make a decision without a round table discussion with those who share his DNA, so they came along for one epic junket.
This all sounds like a fabulous idea with the sun, beaches and villas, but remember, if you’re the girl who gets dumped, you’re faced with a broken heart and a very long plane ride home to think about it.
Elise met his family first and she dominated.
His mum revealed she used to play hockey, and immediately former Hockeyroo Elise had the advantage.
His brother Tom did a try-hard interrogation, asking how many relationships she’d had and whatnot, to which I would have told him to go for a hike because that’s none of his beeswax but because she’s way more tolerant of dickheads she played along and answered his questions politely.
Interestingly, Matty’s family loved that she had hobbies, like outdoor activities and such.
They thought that was terrific. It had me thinking about my own hobbies, or lack thereof, and wondering if hobbies equals hearts or something.
Elise told his mum that she had fallen in love with Matty and she swooned all over her.
At this stage I was still thinking it was clever editing, designed to throw the public off, given Laura has been as hot a favourite as Winx throughout the series, and the show needed a few manufactured twists and turns to keep everyone’s interest.
“You have to open your heart to be loved back,” Elise said, and Australia sighed nervously for her.
Laura met his family soon after and she was an absolute train wreck.
She was so nervous she sweated up, and wouldn’t stop talking. It was the most severe case of word vomit I’ve witnessed on national television.
“I’m pretty sure everyone thought I was going to pass out because I hadn’t taken a breath yet,” Laura said, and she wasn’t exaggerating.
At this stage, it was like her 20-goal lead had been reduced to five, and it was all her doing.
It was quite the sight.
Old mate Tom gave her the now traditional grilling and pretty much declared his allegiance to Elise.
“I feel like you haven’t got the same sort of vibe,” Tom said.
They asked her if she had a hobby and she was so flustered. Seriously, what is it with hobbies? Do they want her to be knitting in her spare time? Does going to the pub count? Or scrolling on Twitter? Do guys really rate hobbies?
She talked her way back into it by actually listening and breathing, and when the mum asked her a few questions Laura won her over by telling her what every mum wants to hear, that a girl is in love with her son.
“I’ve fallen in love with him 100 percent.”
She teared up as well.
“It’s the hardest thing to do because he can’t say it back.”
Boom. She played her ace card and it worked. Ten goals up.
Matty asked his fam bam who they liked and it was split. He even seemed frustrated he’d have to make the decision himself. Poor guy. He’d brought them all that way.
It was then that it occurred to me he still had to take them on their last dates, so it was going to be a 2-hour situation, and I reached for the wine.
Matty and Elise went out on a boat for their date.
“We’re quite deep in the ocean, I’m quite deep here which is a sign of how I feel at the moment,” Elise said.
They had a swim, then went for wine, where Elise repeated her feelings for him.
“I am in love with you and it’s beautiful.”
Then it was time for his date with Laura.
They went on a helicopter ride, before jumping in a river to wash an elephant.
Yep. You heard right.
So, they were splashing about and had a pash, and there was something poetic about them enjoying themselves with an elephant in the room.
Then they went on a raft in the rain and tried to drink champagne and all I can say is Laura’s hair didn’t fare too well.
Afterwards, Laura took the chance to remind him of her feelings.
“Regardless now what happens, you were worth the risk… I have fallen in love with you and it’s petrifying.”
Then it got all dramatic when Laura did her recap to the camera.
She broke down crying and you could hear an off-mic producer asking if she was ok.
DRAMMMAAA.
Ok, finally the good bit.
Matty waited on the beach for the girls to arrive by boat.
I will point out they both decided to wear heels, which is not sensible at the beach but if you want to look like a baby goat learning to walk that’s your call I guess.
Matty and Osher had a dude chat before the girls arrived, and if his relationship doesn’t end up working out, at least he has a solid bromance to show for the experience.
We all know by now, that the first girl there is the one that leaves broken hearted.
Elise was that girl, and she is officially this season’s Nikki.
She was so optimistic walking towards him.
“I would love to start a life with Matty, it would make me really happy… I am in love with him and I want him to turn around to me and say ‘You’re the one that I want’.”
It was gut-wrenching.
Matty stuffed around with an excruciating recap of their time together and I could picture everyone in Australia screaming in agony.
Finally he manned up.
“You were so worthy of being happy and finding true love, but I’m so sorry, it’s not with me.”
She gave him a fake smile and was taken away from the scene.
I’m really hoping the producers let Elise go through the Maccas drive through on the way home because only nuggs can heal that sort of pain.
“Good on him, I guess he’s found what he’s looking for… I want to be in love with a man who loves me back.”
In a tell-tale sign, Laura wore white for the occasion.
Matty started by confirming she’s his type.
“The only thing I was certain of was what sort of woman I wanted to meet.”
Yeah mate, she looks like Georgia Love’s clone. We get it.
“Laura I love you.”
“I love you too.”
It was mush city. He even gave her a ring.
Laura was the runaway winner, and no doubt we’ll be seeing plenty of these Bondi Beach hood rats in the social pages for the next six months.
Also side note: they met before the show started, so why do the show at all? Who does that? What have we just sat through?