This episode basically picked up where we left off, with Sam going on about how he has the double date rose but still hadn’t had a date.
Oh my god man! Get over it!
I started praying Sophie would take him on a pity date just to shut him up, because there’s only so much whingeing I can stand from a man wearing double denim and hair resembling a tumble weed.
Sophie turned up to announce there would be a Man Games to decide who the manliest man in the house was.
They’d have to change tyres, put together a flat-pack and start a fire.
On the surface, this seems like a stereotypical and borderline sexist challenge, but remember, in The Bachelor they get the women to play with children so this was clearly a ploy to make sure both genders are equally enraged.
Jarrod was out of control in the first challenge.
They went into teams to change four tyres on a car. Mack’s team won, and even though the game was over, Jarrod kept going at his tyre like a maniac. It was embarrassing and slightly unhinged behaviour.
“It’s like a scene out of Robocop.”
“Jarrod’s going super red like he’s going to blow up.”
“I definitely saw steam coming out of his back.”
Jarrod’s team was eliminated, thank god, and it left two teams of two to build the flat-packs.
Ryan is a carpenter and he battled with the challenge, which makes me feel pretty good about myself because I’ve put together a couch, wardrobe, bed and side table on my own with far greater success.
These days, putting together an IKEA flat pack isn’t really a necessary life skill though. You can ring someone to come to that for you while you kick back with a wine, but each to their own.
Anyway, Ryan flipped it and just bashed his cupboard with a mallet, so it was game over for him, which wasn’t the most glowing endorsement of his building business in the real world.
Mack and James won through to the fire challenge, and James the financial planner had no problems being a caveman, lighting a fire and winning some alone time with Sophie.
“He’s so good at everything. He’s like Tarzan, but with a calculator,” Sophie gushed.
“I’m just waiting to hear you dress like a lady or something cos you’re so perfect.”
“No that’s Jarrod,” James said. Ded. Can’t even. Now that’s a drive by.
They had a wine and he received a rose.
The next day Sam was sitting around having another whinge about his lack of date sitch, so Sophie rocked up to take him on one and end the sooking once and for all.
They went for a drive in a Mitsubishi with a panoramic roof. The fact I’ve remembered those details proves how effective subliminal messages can be.
They cooked cupcakes and drank cocktails while Sam kind of opened up and stopped being a jerk, but those moments were fleeting, and when you break down the rubbish he was saying you realise he was still saying dumb things, just in a more sensitive tone.
“I can bring magic dust… I know I can inject magic into things we do.”
He got a rose so he can chill now.
At the cocktail party, Jarrod turned all fashion week by giving us a rundown of Sophie’s outfit.
“She was dressed in a nice olive dress with half-moon earrings.”
What the actual.
Sophie spent some time with Apollo and he did some magic tricks with a fork.
Apollo really is a great dude, and Sophie was enjoying herself.
“No you can’t. It’s like you gave me a drug… you’re messing with my mind,” Sophie said.
“Can you turn water into wine? I’d marry you.”
Then old mate Jarrod bailed her up to have a chat.
It was mortifying. He had two pots and he asked her to plant some herbs with him as a symbol of their relationship.
“What if it dies?” Sophie said.
The other guys thought it was lame too.
“He must have had a pot plant in his suitcase for the last month.”
“He’s lost the plot.”
I can’t even revist it. It was so horrendous.
At the rose ceremony, Bingham went home. No biggie, he hadn’t really featured yet.
This was the lamest Bachelorette episode so far, but next week shit will get real, because the ad showed intruders arriving and I can’t wait.