My boss has absolutely stitched me up with this assignment, he might as well have asked me to write an article on why Zinger Boxes are overrated.
Anyway, I’ve had a crack.
Here are eight reasons why you should jump on the Pies bandwagon in this weekend’s 2023 AFL Grand Final!
1 – Magpies are native to Australia
It’s an Australian rite of passage to get swooped by hyper-aggressive Magpies during nesting season, an experience that shapes our children and breeds a sense of fearlessness.
Lions are famously cowards and associate themselves with the English Cricket team.
2 – Good Old Collingwood Forever
Let’s face it, it’s a bloody great iconic footy club anthem and is the only one that acknowledges their supporters with the lyrics “See The Barackers are Shouting”.
You would rather the old Fable Singers tune (which Collingwood kept in the wake of the AFL theme song scandal) be ringing around the MCG on Saturday than the Brisbane song, which is a blatant rip off of the French anthem.
3 – Neale robbed Daicos
Brisbane Lions vs Greater Western Sydney
“Three votes… L. Neale!”
Need I say more?
4 – Safety in numbers
If you don’t support Collingwood and you live in Melbourne, she’s going to be a rough old night if you don’t want anything to do with them.
You should either leave the city or just join in.
Win or lose, a car is probably going to get tipped over.
One only needs to look at the Magpie celebrations after their drought-breaking premiership win in 1990 to see what Melbourne will be like should the Pies win the flag.
5 – They’re Not Queenslanders
Fair enough, they dominate the rugby league, with the Maroons pretty much going uncontested year in, and year out but that’s their sport.
We can even cop the Broncos beating the Storm to the big dance.
But, if the Lions claim their first flag in 20 years and 4th all-time, we’ll never hear the end of it from those northern yuppies.
The annual trip up to Noosa will be ruined by smug bogans.
6 – Craig ‘FLY’ McRae is a great bloke
Former Lions legend, Craig McRae can be credited with turning this Collingwood side around, both on the field and off it.
In 50 games, Fly has transformed the Pies Bali bad boys into a unit of respectable and well-spoken young men, a bunch of young men you’d be proud to support!
I heard he always buys the first round as well.
7 – We All Have a Magpie Mate
They might be friends, family, colleagues, neighbours.
Believe it or not, some Collingwood fans are good people.
Not all, but some.
You might engage in some decent footy chat with them, they may have been good to you at the time of your own teams’ success, and provided you can bear with 12 months of “Flagpies” talk just reassure yourself that the Colliwobbles and Magpies jokes will always come back.
8 – Vertical stripes are slimming
Put on a couple of kegs during the season? Still have your winter layers on?
Don’t stress, Collingwood’s prison bar jersey will have you looking 20kgs lighter!
Enjoy as many guilt-free middies and meat pies as your heart desires.
The proof is in the pudding.
