This ep started with more screaming and hysteria as Osher walked in with his beautifully immaculate hair, but this time he was also wearing some indie reading glasses that provided an unnecessary, yet amazing upgrade.
He was there to announce a single date, and Florence was the chosen one this time.
As we’ve come to expect, the rest of the house wasn’t overly impressed.
Matty opened the date by admitting Florence had been on his mind since the last rose ceremony, when she wore a raunchy teachers outfit to show him how to speak Dutch. You think? Duh!
But things soon went from risqué to risky as Matty employed some scare tactics on the date, asking Florence to jump off a 26-storey building with him with some rather tight harnesses on, which didn’t leave much to the imagination.
It’s fair to say Florence wasn’t overly impressed with the idea.
“My whole body is screaming abort mission you stupid bitch…. Go back to Melbourne and live your life”.
So yeah, she had some pretty strong gut feelings about what she should do but she went against all of them for the sake of finding love on TV and jumped off the building with Matty, holding hands the whole way down.
I’m tipping they were just happy just to have survived the whole ordeal, so they went and got a plaster cast made of their hands, as you do when you cheat death.
After that Matty worked up some Dutch courage and kissed Florence, grabbing her face and everything.
Kiss tally is now at 3 for those keeping count at home.
She told the other girls what happened and Clinger Cobie became predictably teary.
Someone even asked, “Is he a good kisser?”
I’ll say it again; this is a weird show.
Osher returned to the house and again, the girls screamed like One Direction had just walked into the building.
He revealed two girls would go on a date with Matty, and at the end of it, someone would be going home.
Liz and Jen were chosen and I couldn’t have been happier. You may recall the opening night when Liz called Jen’s dress ‘putrid’ and there was a whole situation about that?
Yeah, well, they don’t like each other so I was seriously excited to see some passive aggressive shade thrown on this date.
Matty welcomed Liz with a “You look stunning”, and just gave Jen a “Hi”, which made me think Jen’s number was up.
They sat down to chat and after a few reds Matty asked the girls to say the best and worst things about each other. This is about the time I grabbed some popcorn.
Liz said Jen’s best trait was her dirty humour, and her worst was that she is quick to judge.
Jen didn’t like those answers, and said that Liz’s wit was the best thing about her, and that the worst was that she is abrasive.
Matty wasn’t liking Jen, but when she got a chance to talk to him alone she described herself as a Caramello Koala.
“I’m golden on the inside,” Jen said.
That was all it took. Matty’s face lit up.
“I love Caramello Koalas!”
I’m not even sure if that was a subtle plug for a sponsor or if they were genuine about their love for Caramellos. It was confusing, but I started wishing I had a Caramello Koala, so either way the marketing campaign was given a significant boost.
Matty then had a chat with Liz. He asked her if she wanted a family and she looked at him like an alien had landed on Earth eating a Caramello Koala.
She had no idea. It was like this was the first time she’d considered what her future might look like, so he sent her home. Boom. Just like that.
I can’t feel sorry for her though. I mean, surely going on a TV show with the aim of finding true love, she would have put some thought into the topic?
Just wow.
Anyway, the episode was coasting along nicely but little did I know there was about to be a strange volcanic eruption from a girl named Sian that seriously must have been hiding behind curtains or couches or something all this time because I had no idea she was even on the show.
After her crazy performance tonight though, I wish she’d spoken up earlier.
It all went down at the rose ceremony.
Sian started crying in the bathroom.
“I’m leaving. I don’t like him. I’m better than him. I’m better than this… I have beyond amazing qualities. I want something real.”
That last bit was a bit of a worry, given she’s on a TV show.
The next bit was even more of a concern.
“Oh great, cameras.”
She tried to get away from the cameras, which of course have every right to film her on the TV show she willingly signed up for.
She had lost it, and she decided the height of her hysteria was the best time to have a chat to Matty about her issues.
I reckon it was the first time they’d spoken because as I mentioned earlier, this girl had not been sighted.
I thought Matty was going to introduce himself as she walked over in full meltdown mode but he took one look at her state and thought better of it. Smart.
“I don’t like this process. It’s just awful… I just have bad intuition at this point in time. I just want to exit,” Sian said.
Matty tried to console her and asked if she was sure she wanted to leave. I’m sure he was just being nice because she was being irrational af.
And then, she had a complete change of heart.
“I don’t want to leave because I’m here for a reason… I do see potential with you.”
“I want to stay 100 percent.”
What. Just. Happened.
I was confused, Matty was confused, evidently Sian was confused.
She changed her mind just like that.
The whole drama about nothing took a critical ten minutes out of the episode, and that meant due to time constraints the rose ceremony was only halfway through when we were hit with the ‘to be continued’ situation, so we have to hang on until tomorrow night to find out if Matty will just ditch Sian anyway because he’s just seen first-hand how she would do his head in.