Where’s the fun in that?
“Is it just me or does this house feel nice and relaxing? Why would that be? Oh, because Jen left,” Tara said sarcastically.
All well and good for them, but for the rest of us, it’s boring. And selfish. The AFL All-Australian Awards were on the other channel and I considered switching over to stay awake which is really saying something.
But instead, I poured a glass of wine and hoped someone in this group was ready to stand up and do something controversial.
Simone was poised to be that girl.
As usual, she started off by whingeing about how she still hadn’t had a single date with Matty.
If that’s not a hint, I don’t know what is.
In the real world, if a guy won’t ask you out on a date, then that’s a legitimate, concrete sign he doesn’t like you. If he doesn’t want alone time with you, then he doesn’t want to be with you. Move on.
“I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here,” she said.
Simone was realising that she was just making up the numbers to get the season to the contracted episode length. While that would send most girls to boiling point, part of her was also desperately hoping she had it wrong and it was all going to work out in the end.
Osher rocked up with a single date card and this was last chance stuff for Simone.
But it went to Laura, and Simone was flat as a pancake. She still wasn’t angry though. She was used to it I guess, but if that was Jen or Leah, there would have been a super entertaining, irrational meltdown.
Matty chose Laura to go on the date with because, get this: “Being in the house with so many other ladies, it can feel like a competition.”
Well, what the hell is this then? A polygamy cult broadcast on national TV? Spare me. It’s a freaking competition Matty. Get real.
He took Laura to get their fortune told, and the psychic told him that Laura was being guarded with her feelings.
Ahoy there captain obvious!
Then they went to look at some stars, and they got to name one 15 light years away.
Laura was pumped.
“We’re going to name a baby!”
WHOOP! WHOOP! Stage five clinger alert!
It got worse when the star expert who was awkwardly trying to educate them on the solar system informed them that the star would last ten billion years.
“I’m not sure if he realises he’s just made a ten billion year commitment to me.”
First it was the promise ring in episode one, and now a bloody star.
Matty, if you don’t end up with Laura you’ve led her on big time. And just remember, she will find youuuuu.
They settle on a hybrid name, merging Matty and Laura to come up with Mattaura. Spew.
Laura and Matty had a good chat later on, where she confessed she liked him.
“I really do care,” she said.
Matty’s analysis of the situation was elite.
“It shows more than anything she cares.”
*Eye roll emoji.
They had a pash and she got a rose and then it was onto the group date where Simone had clearly decided she was done with her dignity, instead opting to go with ‘desperate’ to see if that would get his attention. Because that works in the real world too, doesn’t it?
Anyway, the group date was set up like a kids party, complete with a jumping castle that no-one was appropriately dressed to get in.
Matty produced t-shirts with baby photos of the girls on them for them to wear, probably to cover up the cleavage for when they wanted a go on the jumping castle.
The picture on Simone’s t-shirt seemed to prove she had red hair as a kid, and I’m not a red head, but the hysteria that followed was ridonc.
It didn’t help that she got defensive right away.
“I wasn’t a ranga!”
“I am not a closet red head. I never had red hair. I don’t have red hair down there.”
They had to eat donuts hanging from string with their hands behind their backs, and Simone’s day went downhill from there.
Turns out she’s gluten free, wheat free and dairy free, and her donut looked horrendous.
I’m saying that as a gluten free person as well. I felt her pain.
“My donut looks pathetic. It’s so dry.”
She ate it and won, but if you’ve ever eaten something that’s gluten free, wheat free and dairy free, you’ll know the texture involved.
“I nearly died for him. Like, I nearly died.”
Not even an understatement.
A bit later on they had Matty blindfolded and they had to place a love heart sticker on the part of his body they liked the best.
Most went with the politically correct method of putting one on his smile, or on his forehead to symbolise his intelligence.
Simone whacked a love heart on his dick.
“He just has a nice bulge,” Simone said.
That really should have gotten Matty’s attention, but it backfired, because when he had to guess who’d done it, he went with Laura.
Seriously, Simone could be wearing hi vis and Matty wouldn’t notice her.
But wait, her day got worse.
Matty had asked their parents to send in an item of significance to their childhood, so that he could get to know where they came from.
Simone’s mum sent ballet shoes.
Simone’s face when she saw them was pure horror. Her mum had stitched her up. It was brilliant.
“I don’t know anything about ballet, I never did it,” she told the cameras.
When Matty asked her she played along and pretended she did ballet as a kid, so instead of letting Matty get to know the real her, she created a fake version, and managed to somehow distance herself even further from him.
“The whole conversation was a lie.”
She missed out on one-on-one time. Elise got that for chatting about the outdoors and camping, and they had a pash.
At the cocktail party, Simone was ignored again and I was thinking if that was me, I’d be leaving out a side exit right now to avoid the humiliation of missing out on a rose later.
Laura and Elise had a little tiff about who was going to chat to Matty before the ceremony.
“Just go for it,” Elise said.
“Oh Elise, now you’ve made it awkward,” Laura said.
Riveting stuff. I miss Jen and Leah.
Simone remained desperate to stay until the end. Why though Simone? WHY!?
“I could potentially fall for the guy, he just has to give me a chance.”
He didn’t.
She missed out on a rose, which was probably the most obvious result in the history of Bachie.
Let’s hope tomorrow night has a little more drama for the cabana.