The first two Bachelorette episodes came in like a wrecking ball, so I was expecting this one to ease up on the crazy a little bit, but it still had some super strong mental asylum themes running right through it, so buckle up.
It started on a really positive note, with Luke (who’s a total babe) getting a single date with Sophie.
But of course, Sam, the guy who won the super duper double date rose, was bitter that he didn’t get the date and took it upon himself to remind everyone that he was hard-done by because he was entitled to two dates and he hadn’t even had one yet.
“There’s two of them,” Sam said, just like a toddler would say mid-tantrum.
“Why is it taking so long for me to go on a date?”
Well Sam, I can help you out there. Your hair for instance. Cut it. It’s gross. He’s got to be the first person in the world to wander into a barber shop and demand the ‘Donald Trump’. Actually, I’m giving him too much credit. His hair is definitely a home job. If he paid for that it’s a crime. Anyway, his sooky attitude and his god-awful hair was like watching Trump whingeing about North Korea. Guess what Sam? No-one likes Trump either. Cut your hair.
Luke met Sophie at the beach where some photoshopped whales frolicked in the distance. I know they weren’t real because I regularly go to the beach to see whales and I’ve only seen them on three occasions this year. No way were they swimming in unison so close to the beach just as the cameras were buttoned on. No-one’s that lucky.
Anyway, as if we needed the distraction. Luke is more than enough to look at.
“He looks a bit like George Clooney,” Sophie said.
“Holy moly. He looks like a male model. Very sexy.”
Sophie had some questions hidden in sandcastles, and after a little get-to-know you sesh, he gave her a surf lesson.
They then body-surfed in blow up sumo suits which looked like a really good time. So there’s an idea for the next guy to take me on a date. Sumo surfing. YAAAAASSSSSS.
They had a chat and spoke about feelings and although it was kind of awks for a bit when he asked if he could kiss her rather than just going in for the pash, they eventually locked lips and he got a rose, and I thought that’s where you say stuff it and run off together to live happily ever after. Forget the other mugs.
Back at the house the mugs were reading out the names for the group date, and I was hoping like hell the two bunny boilers, Sam and Jarrod, were called so they could duel to the death over Sophie. Dead-set, they’re that obsessed I reckon if Osher told them that was the challenge they’d be more than happy to sacrifice their lives for the cause. Absolute weirdos.
Both names were called and it was beautiful.
“Dammit, Sam’s on the group card and I have to be there to look after her,” Jarrod said.
“Oh a smaller group of blokes where he’s going to be crazy,” Sam said.
For the record, Sam is insane but Jarrod is next level scary. He’s the sort of guy that would peer through your bedroom window at night, or go through your rubbish bins. He’d be the bambi-eyed stage five clinger you’d end up getting a restraining order for, which he’d ignore anyway, forcing you into witness protection with a new name and a new family and a new suburb to live in. Although, with his military skills he’d probably track you down after all that anyway. As Isla Fisher once said in the movie ‘Wedding Crashers’, “I’d find youuuuuu”.
Sophie seems to know some of these dudes are a few sandwiches sort of a picnic, so she employed her family to go undercover and do some reconnaissance.
Her parents drove the guys to the group date and Sam was an arrogant, offensive jerk in the backseat, talking about sloppy kisses and the difference between lust and love.
He was crude and obnoxious, and it was brilliant because Sophie’s dad heard the lot.
The bickering between Jarrod and Sam was phenomenal too.
Jarrod kept going on about wanting to take charge of the group date and be the grown up, which brought the out the child in Sam.
“Jarrod, pull your head in mate or I’ll throw bark at you,” Sam said.
They all had to sit down and do some drawing under the supervision of an art analyst, who was actually Sophie’s sister in a wig.
Jarrod took the challenge way too seriously, which would surprise no-one.
“I did use a lot of blue because it’s my favourite colour. I wore it today,” Jarrod said.
Beautiful words.
Then they had a chat to Sophie’s sister one-on-one about their artwork. Sam chose the opportunity to talk about the fact he has the double delight rose, just to change shit up.
“I don’t like saying, I got the double delight rose.” Shut it mate.
Ryan was open and honest, showing he’s a human after all under that arrogant prick smirk he gets around in.
Sophie then broke the news they’d spent the day with her parents and sister.
“I went cold. I am the one who spent the entire trip talking. Who knows what I said?” Sam said.
“Did I say bad things?”
He’s so annoying. Yes mate, you were a dickhead. #standard.
Jarrod was still hopeful of winning the art contest to get some time with Sophie, but Ryan was given the nod instead.
“I am disappointed I didn’t get the time,” Jarrod said. I’ve noticed he regularly hosts a pity party for one.
Anyway, at the cocktail party, Jarrod was still waiting at the stairs for Sophie like a dog waiting for its owner to get home from work.
The way he bounded around, desperately seeking time with Sophie, talking to the guys about how he wants to know her five year plan and future goals was cringe-worthy.
Sam bailed up Sophie to ask why she hasn’t taken him on one of his two dates yet (he has two in case you didn’t know).
She called him out for being a crass dickhead during the photoshoot in episode two, and he had to cop it and move on.
While they were talking Jarrod was having a shit-fit about Sam getting time with Sophie.
“I’m holding it in, I really am.”
Jarrod then confronted Sam about their frenemy situation, and they basically settled on the fact that they don’t like each other.
Sam also used the conversation to remind Jarrod and everyone at home that he’s got the double date rose. The amount of times he dropped it into conversation was a drinking game waiting to be had. Jarrod used the time to try to explain his obsessive behaviour.
“I fall for a girl I am bull at a gate… If guys are there and they’re the gate, I will try to get through.”
Yeah, nah, still not cool man.
Then it was time for the rose ceremony. Osher dropped the bombshell that three dudes would be going home.
I caught two of their names, Jefferson and Eden, no idea who the other unit was. Were they there the whole time or were they the caterers? Mind blown. There you go.