The PUN-ter – Caulfield Cup Day Tips

No form. No analysis. Just puns.

Join me, the PUN-ter as I tell you stories of my life through some of the best horse names racing this Saturday.

CAULFIELD

I have a friend of mine who will only follow group one race meets, he’s such a SUPER SNOB (Race 1, Number 5). To be fair, it was a tough week for him as he had to give SWORN EVIDENCE (Race 1, Number 10) at a stewards inquiry this week to OUR CROWN MISTRESS (Race 1, Number 6).

The carnival is BOOM TIME (Race 8, number 13 – Caulfield Cup) for a guy like me.  I’ll be giving my tips to the punters on Saturday. You can find me on the MAIN STAGE (Race 4, number 1) of Caulfield racecourse. Just be mindful that there is a dress code so please wear proper shoes not SNEAKERS (Race 10, number 10)

Whilst in the corporate suite at Caulfield I look forward to enjoying a SWEET SHERRY (Race 7, number 7). ONE MORE HONEY (Race 1, Number 1) I said to my date, I WOULDA THOUGHT SO (Race 2, Number 10)  as she agreed with me. At the end of the day, it’s on the plane back home from Melbourne, I hope it’s a SMOOTH LANDING (Race 3, Number 8) when it gets to the airport.

RANDWICK

There’s a real SOCIAL ELEMENT (Race 4, number 5) to a day out at Randwick. Given that the food can be quite expensive at the course we’re bringing our own including my wife’s famous PUMPKIN PIE (Race 5, number 10) and SHE KNOWS (Race 3, number 11) how to make a good pie. Recent LEGISLATION (Race 1, number 3) passing by the state parliament to allow people to bring outside food into stadiums has been an UNEQUIVOCAL (Race 9, number 6) success. I’m also bringing my mate Dave, he’s a GOODFELLA (Race 6, number 3). Dave loves to tell a story but really loves to EXAGGERATE (Race 3, number 6) what happens but my wife listens and really shows her caring, MATERNAL (Race 7, number 9) instinct to him as he’s gone through a rough-patch of recent. One of the highlights of the day is fashions on the field we watch the LINE UP GIRLS (Race 1, number 4) who participate all looking stunning. I’d love to have a go at fashions on the field but I tend to BE LIKE DAD (Race 8, number 11) and take a more conservative approach.

ASCOT

I was driving the car down the street and one of my favourite songs came on the radio, PRIVATE DANCER (Race 3, number 8) by Tina Turner.  Not your typical choice for someone that’s a TRADESMAN (Race 7, number 10) during the week.

OUR MATE AL (Race 6, number 4) he’s such a SLICK TALKER (Race 8, number 8) he convinced us to COME ON BOARD (Race 8, number 2) with his punters club with all proceeds from the winnings going to the overseas trip to REYKJAVIK (Race 3, number 2). It’s an obscure choice but my other mate OLIVERS TRAVELS (Race 6, number 10) to BANGALORE (Race 4, number 3) turned out to be a great choice. REMEMBER BERLIN (Race 5, number 1) asked Oliver as we reminisced about ALREADY FAMOUS (Race 2, number 5)  trips we made in the past.

On a completely unrelated note, I AM INCREDIBLE (Race 4, number 7) at JUICING CARROTS (Race 2, number 5)

DOOMBEN

I was at karaoke the other night and I ONLY WANNA SING (Race 1, number 8) WE BUILT THIS CITY (Race 6, number 19) by Starship, YOU KNOW THE ONE (Race 1, number 1) from the 1980’s?

As I finished up my turn on karaoke I was harassed by someone who yelled HI SEXY (Race 5, Number 10) followed by calls of I’d TAP THIS (Race 9, number 14). I don’t hold NO ANNA MOSSITY (Race 9, number 12) to people who find me attractive but I might give that bar a RED HOT MISS (Race 8, number 9) next time.

Anyway, I don’t know what you’ve heard on THE RUMOUR FILE (Race 3, number 9) but I purchased a new TV this week. Just your standard 120 inch HD flat screen, sometimes it’s MORE THAN MONEY (Race 7, number 9) you’ve got to factor in a purchase and I reckon you CANTBUYBETTER (Race 5, number 1)

I put the new TV on the FOX Classics channel and they were showing an old episode of Kingswood Country, you know the show with that character Ted BULLPIT (Race 5, number 2). I thought to myself if they made that show these days people would be OUTRAGED (Race 3, number 1) by its humour.

MORPHETTVILLE

I recently ran into my old school teacher Mr.Stevens on the street, I yelled out to him “Hey, Mr.Stevens!” and he was like mate, CALL ME CURTIS (Race 1, Number 4).

I then went to the local furniture store to add some décor in the house and came across this beautiful couch that was MADE IN RUSSIA (Race 5, Number 4) I wasn’t too worried about the price as I HAVE PLENTY (Race 7, number 4) of money at the moment.

It was a weird day, JUST FOR STARTERS (Race 2, Number 2)  after running into my old school teacher and going furniture shopping the police pulled over but they MISS IDENTIFIED (Race 8, number 3) for someone that was due to face the FEDERAL COURT (Race 1, number 5).

WITH A  BIT OF A DASH (Race 6, number 4), I picked up the pace and went home to my wife who said I LUVULONGTIME (Race 5, Number 3). Beautiful.

THE REST

AUNTY SUE (Woodonga, Race 2, Number 3) is staying over at my BACHELOR PAD (Darwin, Race 4, Number 7)  this weekend when it appeared she got the FIRST THREE LEGS (Bendigo, Race 2, Number 4) of her multi, she was on a WEEKEND WINNER (Gold Coast, Race 3, Number 10) with that one and has done her nephew – a RACING WRITER (Bendigo Race 3, number 7) proud. When she got successful in her multi I got a text from her saying I’M A LUCKY GIRL (Hobart, Race 1, Number 11)

I’m currently away on the footy trip in this absolute HELLHOLE (Narromine, Race 7, Number 3). Last night we  went OFF TO THE RIPPAS (Gold Coast, Race 4, Number 12) and the funniest part of the night was when some random asked my mate  “Hey, I REMEMBER YOU (Gold Coast, Race 8, Number 4), aren’t you PORN STAR PETE (Gold Coast, Race 8, Number 8) ?” DREAM ON CHARLIE (Narromine, Race 2, Number 4) he was never capable of doing that, he’s more a TORTURED POET (Bendigo, Race 7, Number 12). TRUST ME BILL (Narromine, Race 5, Number 16) STOLE THE SHOW (Gold Coast, Race 8, Number 7) last night. He spent the night QUIETLY CONFIDENT (Narromine, Race 5, Number 8) that he would take the EMO GIRL (Narromine, Race 6, Number 16) home. He is the ENVY OF ALL (Newcastle, Race 6, Number 2) on how he can DAZZLE US AGAIN (Gold Coast, Race 3, Number 2)  with his INSTANTANEOUS (Gold Coast, Race 5, Number 16) ways with the opposite sex. Not bad for a quiet COOGEE BEACH BOY (Wagga, Race 1, Number 18).

DOWN BUT NOT OUT (Wagga, Race 2, Number 10) my CARE FACTOR (Wagga, Race 3, Number 5) started to lessen. I felt UNDER PRESSURE (Narromine, Race 2, number 15) to somehow get lucky on the footy trip but I can do that ANYTIME BABY (Narromine, Race 5, Number 1) . I AM SPECIAL (Newcastle, Race 7, number 7) and I can bring PLENTY OF BLING (Hobart, Race 2, Number 12) when I damn well want to. For now, I’ll just enjoy my SUGAR FREE (Hobart Race 3, Number 8) cola, THIS IS LIVIN (Narromine, Race 2, Number 15) for a KIRRIBILLI KID (Hobart, Race 5, Number 12) like me.